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humour for the not so graceful getting older

Tag: cat

Livestock Lessons

A very good day to you all from the Lifestyle Support Guru! It has been a little while since I offered any advice, but this morning I had to visit the vet’s, although I was 24 hours late and I feel that this was meant to be, otherwise I would not have witnessed scenes which taught me a lot in just half an hour.

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Molly

I was late because Molly the Mobster had realised that something was up yesterday when I didn’t have a second cup of coffee because I was taking her for her booster shot and I didn’t have time for a second cup. She shot off and hid under the bed in the spare room and I was unable to reach her – she just sat there purring as if to say, ‘Ha! I’m smarter than you! I know your exact habits!’

 

 

Thank goodness the vet doesn’t charge for missed appointments! Therefore, this morning I made sure I had a second coffee, thus fooling her completely. She followed me meekly downstairs, expecting treats, where I was able to pick her up and shove her into her carrier. She then sat there emitting a pathetic miaow from time to time, but I hardened my heart and carried her to the car.

So, where do lessons learned come in to this feline tale? Well, as soon as I got to the vet’s surgery, I realised I was seriously underdressed – there is now clearly a uniform for visiting the vet. It is as follows:

https://amzn.to/2Txvbnk
1. Leggings in a bright pattern, preferably with flashes of pink.
2. Pink trainers.
3. A turtle neck jumper, with splashes of pink.
4. A gilet, not necessarily pink, but preferably Barbour.
5. Blonde hair tied up in a loose bun (à la Meghan Markle).
6. A stretchy hairband (with the regulation flash of pink) holding aforementioned blonde hair off the face.
7. A white dog (any size).

I was wearing plain black trousers and a rust-coloured (luckily not rust-covered) jumper, a bobble-covered navy woollen jacket and nice, comfortable ‘granny’ shoes in an understated grey and I had a black cat with me rather than a white dog. I felt this was suitable attire for visiting a place that was going to take money off me – don’t look as if you can afford the exorbitant fees!

And this was where the second lesson came in. While I was studying the visions in pink sharing space in the waiting room, a man came in carrying a dog lead, but with no dog attached – my first assumption was that he had come to collect his pet, but no … he had come to let off steam! He started haranguing the poor receptionist about having to pay extra to his pet insurance company over and above the £800 a year he was already paying. £800!! I felt his pain! Apparently, the insurance company had told him that it was https://amzn.to/2TBNcRBthe vet’s fault for taking the dog’s tooth out when he brought him in for a scale and polish. (For a nanosecond I thought maybe I had wandered into the dentist’s by mistake.) Apparently, the insurance company wouldn’t pay for the extraction and were trying to say it was the vet’s fault for taking the tooth out in the first place. The receptionist was very patient and explained that this was the insurance company doing their usual thing of trying to wriggle out of paying for procedures. She then went on to say that they charged less than other vets (try telling that to my bank card!) because they know that the insurance companies will do what they can not to pay for ‘little extras’ (they are probably run by Philip Hammond). The man calmed down and went off, still carrying his empty dog lead and muttering to himself about rip-off insurance companies. And the lesson? If you want to take your anger out on someone, go to a vet’s surgery! (But I’m still wondering why he brought his dog lead with him.)

Molly was then called in to see the vet, who said she had lost weight (Molly, not the vet), but nothing to worry about, all the while looking at me as if to say, ‘Maybe you should follow Molly’s example.’ We then went back into reception where the following animals were called for: Holly (a nervous dog), Polly (a yappy dog) and Poppy (an old, grey dog with a sad face). Lesson 3? It is now clearly a legal requirement to give your pet a two-syllable name ending in ‘y’. I am well within the law.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

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Football And Gardening

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! I realise that it is a little while since I offered any advice on coping with everything that life can throw at you, whether it be avoiding the World Cup or dealing with weeds on the garden path (it’s always a good idea to keep your garden path clear in case anyone ever tries to lead you down it).

Football

Avoiding the World Cup is quite difficult, as I’m sure many of you are probably finding, but it can be done:
1. You can settle down at home with a good book and a glass of wine.
2. You can find a pub without a television and settle down with a good book and a glass of wine.
3. You can download a good book on your Kindle and settle down with a glass of wine.
4. Forget the books and just settle down with a glass of wine.

Gardening

Clearing the garden path is very easy – all you need is a sibling (or some other family member), some weed killer and a few black bin bags.
1. Persuade your sibling/other family member that your arthritis is really playing you up – limp heavily and often – and say in a pathetic voice that you wish you could bend to clear the garden path (this is actually a downright lie, but needs must…).
2. Sibling/other family member will get so fed up of your pathetic whining that he/she will ask where the weed killer is, which he/she will then spray liberally over the said weeds.
3. You, meanwhile, will be tasked with the dangerous job of keeping the cat indoors, which is best done with a good book and a glass of wine (or was that the World Cup? So easy to get confused.).
4. Once the weeds have been sprayed, sibling/other family member will cover the area with black bin liners, stating that they will remain in place for the foreseeable future because they will block the sun, thus discouraging the weeds from daring to show their faces ever again. You accept this as the absolute truth because you have imbibed so much wine that you no longer care that the garden path now looks like the aftermath of a rock festival, bin liners fluttering gently in the breeze, held down by an assortment of garden items ranging from garden chairs to rotting plastic watering cans, and part of a hydraulic jack which has been a feature of the garden since you moved in and which you haven’t thrown away because you’re sure you can make it a ‘proper’ garden feature, maybe even a postmodern water feature, with a gentle stream of water trickling softly over the side. Or maybe just wait for it to rain …
And there you have it – football and gardening sorted, providing you have a good book, a sibling/other family member, weed killer, bin liners, a cat and, of course, a plentiful supply of wine …
I will finish by saying that I may adopt an ancient Roman habit of those in high places – to employ a slave to whisper in your ear that you are only human. (The slave should also be able to pour a glass of wine without spilling a drop…)
Sleep well, adoring acolytes!

How To Hide the Cat!

bed and duvet

bed and duvet

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight I am going to give you some advice on HIDING A CAT, although I am sure it could be adapted for small dogs and children, should you so desire.
These are the steps to follow:
1. Feeling positive about summer coming, you decide to change your winter duvet for a summer one (but keep the electric blanket on the bed, just in case).
2. Remove the summer duvet from the drawer under the bed and replace it with the winter one, which has to be squashed in because it’s a lot thicker.
3. Having changed the bed, sit down to do something mindless on the computer before going to watch something mindless on television.
4. When you hear a faint meow and a slight scrabbling, you think you must have shut one of the cats (let’s call him Charlie, just for the sake of argument) in a wardrobe, so you check but find nothing. (The more astute among you will already know where this is going.)
5. Sit back down at the computer and hear another meow and some more scrabbling, so you

White Cat

Charlie

wonder if, somehow, Charlie managed to hide away in the winter duvet when you squashed it (rather brutally) into the drawer. With thoughts of a suffocated cat wrapped up in a heavy duvet, you pull open the drawer and tug the duvet out, but find no sign of a squashed cat.
6. Back to the computer, assuming that the cat must be downstairs doing his ‘I’m dying of starvation’ pathetic little meow because he hasn’t been fed for at least ten minutes, BUT … another pathetic meow and more faint scrabbling, so you open the drawer AGAIN, pull out the duvet AGAIN and suddenly the cat appears as if BY MAGIC! Somehow, he has managed to squeeze himself into the gap between the back of the drawer and the underside of the bed and has obviously been sitting there for the last ten minutes wondering what sort of new game you are playing!
7. Spend the next ten minutes giggling as you imagine what must have been going through Charlie’s mind as he sat in the dark under the bed, occasionally emitting a quiet meow – he is the most gentle of cats, so it wouldn’t have occurred to him to get annoyed and make more noise!
8. Feel grateful that it wasn’t one of your other cats that you’d shut in because they would right now be sitting plotting their revenge!
Enjoy the rest of your evening and make the most of the couple of days of summer that seem to be creeping up on us.

Keep A Positive Outlook

LSG here with some advice on keeping a POSITIVE outlook as you travel through your daily vale of tears and work your way through life’s little problems, such as why the cat has thrown up a furball every day, but you don’t notice it unless you’re in bare feet! (Don’t think too much about that!)
This is on a subject close to the hearts of many of you, I know, especially the women (although not all, strangely!).

White and navy or Navy and White?

White and navy or Navy and White?

CLOTHES SHOPPING: don’t think ‘I’ve already got a navy/white striped jumper, so I don’t need another.’ Think POSITIVELY – ‘I’ve got a NAVY and WHITE jumper, but I haven’t got a WHITE and NAVY one.’ There’s a world of difference, believe me, and you will feel so much better when you have such a choice of colourways!

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