A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! I realise that it is a little while since I offered any advice on coping with everything that life can throw at you, whether it be avoiding the World Cup or dealing with weeds on the garden path (it’s always a good idea to keep your garden path clear in case anyone ever tries to lead you down it).
Avoiding the World Cup is quite difficult, as I’m sure many of you are probably finding, but it can be done:
1. You can settle down at home with a good book and a glass of wine.
2. You can find a pub without a television and settle down with a good book and a glass of wine.
3. You can download a good book on your Kindle and settle down with a glass of wine.
4. Forget the books and just settle down with a glass of wine.
Clearing the garden path is very easy – all you need is a sibling (or some other family member), some weed killer and a few black bin bags.
1. Persuade your sibling/other family member that your arthritis is really playing you up – limp heavily and often – and say in a pathetic voice that you wish you could bend to clear the garden path (this is actually a downright lie, but needs must…).
2. Sibling/other family member will get so fed up of your pathetic whining that he/she will ask where the weed killer is, which he/she will then spray liberally over the said weeds.
3. You, meanwhile, will be tasked with the dangerous job of keeping the cat indoors, which is best done with a good book and a glass of wine (or was that the World Cup? So easy to get confused.).
4. Once the weeds have been sprayed, sibling/other family member will cover the area with black bin liners, stating that they will remain in place for the foreseeable future because they will block the sun, thus discouraging the weeds from daring to show their faces ever again. You accept this as the absolute truth because you have imbibed so much wine that you no longer care that the garden path now looks like the aftermath of a rock festival, bin liners fluttering gently in the breeze, held down by an assortment of garden items ranging from garden chairs to rotting plastic watering cans, and part of a hydraulic jack which has been a feature of the garden since you moved in and which you haven’t thrown away because you’re sure you can make it a ‘proper’ garden feature, maybe even a postmodern water feature, with a gentle stream of water trickling softly over the side. Or maybe just wait for it to rain …
And there you have it – football and gardening sorted, providing you have a good book, a sibling/other family member, weed killer, bin liners, a cat and, of course, a plentiful supply of wine …
I will finish by saying that I may adopt an ancient Roman habit of those in high places – to employ a slave to whisper in your ear that you are only human. (The slave should also be able to pour a glass of wine without spilling a drop…)
Sleep well, adoring acolytes!
A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight I am going to give you some advice on HIDING A CAT, although I am sure it could be adapted for small dogs and children, should you so desire.
These are the steps to follow:
1. Feeling positive about summer coming, you decide to change your winter duvet for a summer one (but keep the electric blanket on the bed, just in case).
2. Remove the summer duvet from the drawer under the bed and replace it with the winter one, which has to be squashed in because it’s a lot thicker.
3. Having changed the bed, sit down to do something mindless on the computer before going to watch something mindless on television.
4. When you hear a faint meow and a slight scrabbling, you think you must have shut one of the cats (let’s call him Charlie, just for the sake of argument) in a wardrobe, so you check but find nothing. (The more astute among you will already know where this is going.)
5. Sit back down at the computer and hear another meow and some more scrabbling, so you
wonder if, somehow, Charlie managed to hide away in the winter duvet when you squashed it (rather brutally) into the drawer. With thoughts of a suffocated cat wrapped up in a heavy duvet, you pull open the drawer and tug the duvet out, but find no sign of a squashed cat.
6. Back to the computer, assuming that the cat must be downstairs doing his ‘I’m dying of starvation’ pathetic little meow because he hasn’t been fed for at least ten minutes, BUT … another pathetic meow and more faint scrabbling, so you open the drawer AGAIN, pull out the duvet AGAIN and suddenly the cat appears as if BY MAGIC! Somehow, he has managed to squeeze himself into the gap between the back of the drawer and the underside of the bed and has obviously been sitting there for the last ten minutes wondering what sort of new game you are playing!
7. Spend the next ten minutes giggling as you imagine what must have been going through Charlie’s mind as he sat in the dark under the bed, occasionally emitting a quiet meow – he is the most gentle of cats, so it wouldn’t have occurred to him to get annoyed and make more noise!
8. Feel grateful that it wasn’t one of your other cats that you’d shut in because they would right now be sitting plotting their revenge!
Enjoy the rest of your evening and make the most of the couple of days of summer that seem to be creeping up on us.
LSG here with some advice on keeping a POSITIVE outlook as you travel through your daily vale of tears and work your way through life’s little problems, such as why the cat has thrown up a furball every day, but you don’t notice it unless you’re in bare feet! (Don’t think too much about that!)
This is on a subject close to the hearts of many of you, I know, especially the women (although not all, strangely!).
White and navy or Navy and White?
CLOTHES SHOPPING: don’t think ‘I’ve already got a navy/white striped jumper, so I don’t need another.’ Think POSITIVELY – ‘I’ve got a NAVY and WHITE jumper, but I haven’t got a WHITE and NAVY one.’ There’s a world of difference, believe me, and you will feel so much better when you have such a choice of colourways!