Good morning! Lifestyle Support Guru here and since it’s the weekend and many of you will be popping to the pub (well, one or two of you, anyway!) I thought I’d help you with some advice on HOW TO ENJOY YOURSELF IN THE PUB! After watching a couple in the pub the other night, I realised that I had missed out on a whole level of ENJOYMENT!! This may take a bit of reading, but ENJOYING YOURSELF takes a lot of work!
First, let me set the scene: imagine the actor Timothy Spall dressed like Doc Holliday in black trousers, a long black frock-coat and a hat with a pheasant’s feather at the back, accompanied by Jennifer Saunders dressed like someone ready for a day’s mucking out the stables. Got that?
Next step: Discuss how long it is since you’ve been in the pub because they no longer sell
Foster’s lager and you’re sure they sold it last time you were in. This discussion should take about 5 minutes, but take no notice of the landlord’s eyes glazing over. Your companion, meanwhile, will be deciding on whether she wants a Jim Beam, although she doesn’t actually know what it is, she just likes the look of the bottle. After a discussion on the merits of Jim Beam versus Jack Daniel’s, your companion will settle on a double vodka, but then has to decide whether or not she wants ice in it. This will take a further five minutes of discussion and the landlord will by now have taken out a packet of razor blades and a hangman’s noose, ready to make his own decision.
Drinks sorted, you go to play the gambling machine, even though neither of you knows how to play roulette, blackjack or poker – realising this will take another five minutes of discussion and the loss of a tenner.
The final step and the REAL highlight of going to the pub: return from the machine to stand at the bar. Your companion will study the till which has one of those digital displays to show the price. When it’s not in use, it has a little message displayed and the conversation should go something like this:
Companion: Ooh, look! That till’s new since we last came in. It’s got writing on it – what does it say? (Read slowly) WELCOME…TO…THE…COACH…AND…HORSES. Isn’t that brilliant? A little message welcoming us to the Coach and Horses! That’s new, isn’t it? I’ve never seen one like that before!
You: Oh yes, that’s really great. WELCOME…TO…THE…COACH…AND…HORSES. Well, that’s a new one on me. We should come in more often. It’s all changed since we last came here. Great place.
Finish your drinks and leave…happy because you have had such a GREAT TIME IN THE PUB.
Have a good weekend! I’m off to put some lippy on before the Sainsbury’s deliveryman arrives – you never know, George Clooney may have taken up a little part-time job!