Masks and Paper Bags on the head!


Which Mask tonight?

Good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru, with some unusual advice and support tonight, namely, ‘DOES YOUR FACE ATTRACT WEIRDOS AND PATRONISING IDIOTS’? I have had personal experience of this strange affliction within the last 24 hours and feel absolutely compelled to share this with you so that you can find out if you have the same problem – think of it as an IQ test for your face. The usual scene-setting:

Having pushed your brain cells to the limit trying to remember irregular Italian verbs at evening class, you feel the need for a little light refreshment, so you wander along to your local ale house to find, first of all, that people are still arguing about the identity of the ‘dwarf of retiring disposition’ and that the person who was so rude about your abilities in English is no longer speaking to you at all now. (Result!!!)



1. You are talking quietly to the barman about your Italian lessons when, suddenly, an unknown person joins in and asks if you’re learning Italian (full marks for observational eavesdropping), then proceeds to tell you that ‘you’ll find it quite hard, but keep at it and you’ll get over the hump.’ Taking your silence for gratitude for his advice, he continues, ‘I speak five languages – French, German, Italian, Russian and Polish.’ ‘Oh,’, you say quietly, ‘all fluently?’ ‘Oh no, just French and Polish, although I don’t use them often enough to be able to speak anything other than pidgin French these days.’ With a bit of luck, the barman won’t mention that you used to teach French!
2. The unknown person, who will be a mere stripling of 30 years or so, will then continue by asking if you are learning Italian because you’re going to visit the country, and you can tell by the look on his face that he is just dying for you to say ‘yes’ because then he can pass on all his knowledge, so you totally confuse him by saying that you’re learning it just because you want to and for pleasure. You will be guaranteed a complete silence at this point.
3. The linguist now completely ignores you and then goes on to demonstrate his grasp of languages by telling the barman that Italian is the only language that uses the word ‘scorchio’, so you pipe up and say that it’s also used in Welsh to mean ‘scorching hot’. The linguist drinks up and leaves.

head covered by paper bag

Wear a Paper Bag?

You might think this is the end of it, but NOOOOO!!! A little old man on his way out of the ale house turns to you and asks if you are ‘Welch’ – that’s how he pronounces it. Cautiously, you say that you are, wondering what’s coming next, and he then tells you that he’s from Kent and asks if you’ve ever heard of it and do you know where it is? He adds that it’s ‘in the south’ and you know that, from the smile on his face, he’s quite prepared to spend the rest of the evening telling you all about Kent, thinking that ‘Welch’ people know nothing about anywhere outside Wales, even if they live in Derby! At this point, you look at your watch and say, ‘Oh goodness, is that the time? The lions need feeding; do excuse me,’ and dash off before he can offer to come and help you feed them.

To avoid such encounters, I suggest wearing a mask in public so that, if YOUR FACE ATTRACTS WEIRDOS AND PATRONISING IDIOTS, you can avoid them quite easily – although you may find that there are some people who are attracted to others who wear masks (or paper bags in extreme cases).
A long post, but necessary, I feel. Buona notte!