Good evening all from the Lifestyle Support Guru! I realise this may be a little late for some of you because it’s a ‘school night’ (unless you’re a teacher on half-term or retired, in which case you’ll be up for many hours yet because you haven’t got to get up in the morning), but I feel I have to pass on some VERY useful advice on HOW TO SPOT A POSSIBLE AXE MURDERER. The usual scene-setting:
Suffering from escalatoritis, and a little fatigued from a hard day’s shopping, you decide to undertake some light exercise to ease the pain in your leg and take a little stroll/shuffle to the pub, where you settle yourself into a quiet corner and read your book, which just happens to be about an AXE MURDERER.(I like something a little intellectual.)
After some light and restorative refreshment, you decide to shuffle home, not having noticed that a possible AXE MURDERER left the pub just before you.
As you are limping home, the AXE MURDERER calls across the road to you:
AM: Excuse me, but do you know this area?
YOU: A little bit. (Rule no. 1 – never give out unnecessary information in case you are talking to a possible AXE MURDERER.)
AM (crossing the road to you. You step back, hands ready to chop this AXE MURDERER into mincemeat.): I’m looking for a car hire place.
YOU: At this time of night?
AM: They’re expecting me. They’re going to leave the keys in a safe place and I’ll sleep in the car tonight. (He now shows you a little satnav showing QUITE CLEARLY where he should be heading.) Not ideal, but if I can’t find it, I’ll sleep in the gutter.
YOU: Uncomfortable. (But thinking, ‘Well, they cleaned the gutters of leaves this morning’.)
AM: That’s a nice little pub. I noticed you reading your book. Good?
YOU: Yes, it’s about an AXE MURDERER. (Just to let him know that you’re onto him.)
AM: I saw you reading your book and thought that if you hadn’t been reading, I’d have spoken to you because you look interesting.
You: Ha ha! (Always the first with a quick, witty response!)
AM: So, I just go straight on here?
AM: Definitely not to the right?
YOU: NO! That goes nowhere near the car hire place. Leads nowhere. You don’t want to turn right. (You think about asking him if he’s an AXE MURDERER, but decide that may not be a good idea, and it’s definitely NOT a good idea to tell him that’s your street on the right.)
AM: Well, goodnight, then. I’ll head off to sleep in the car. Maybe I’ll see you in the little pub again.
YOU: Probably not. I don’t live round here. (Sometimes lies are necessary.)
And you then walk backwards up your street, keeping a close eye on the AXE MURDERER to make sure he goes straight on. Once again, the Lifestyle Support Guru shows how streetwise you need to be these days. I can handle it because I have natural instincts for spotting AXE MURDERERS, but some of my more naïve friends may not be as good at this.
Sleep well, all!
PS Did I mention that the AXE MURDERER was about 70 years old and 5 inches shorter than me? I. now feel guilty about leaving some poor old pensioner to sleep in a car!