lifestylesupportguru

Paying my debt to society

I am aware that it is many moons since I last offered you any advice, faithful followers, so I shall try to make up for it today by telling you how to atone for one’s sins against society.

As some of you may know, I had the misfortune to go over the speed limit whilst visiting somewhere ‘oop north’ a little while ago – actually, it wasn’t so much exceeding the speed limit as getting caught that was the misfortune.

To make up for this crime against humanity, I was offered the opportunity to go on a Speed Awareness course, thus avoiding three points on my (clean) licence, although it would also cost me the equivalent of my annual wine allowance (I can imagine you all frantically trying to work out whether that’s true!).

Today was the day of my penance, so I donned my hair shirt and headed for the punishment centre, which also had many other groups meeting up for other, non-criminal reasons.

Upon arriving, I asked for the ‘I drove too fast’ room (the receptionist knew exactly what I meant and smiled, as one should when the LSG makes a little joke) and was given directions: ‘turn right after reception, then go to the top left corner, take a seat and someone will fetch you.’ The top left corner turned out to be a room where Rolls-Royce was holding a meeting. In fact, I needed the top right corner. The receptionist had obviously failed her Brownies Orienteering badge.

While waiting to be fetched (along with about 30 other people), I watched some other attendees come and get lunch from a buffet set out in the centre of the main hall. As well as the usual selection of sandwiches, chicken on skewers, samosas, mini burgers and sausage rolls, there were also two dishes of macaroni cheese (or mac’n’cheese as it is so trendily called these days). One chap in the queue – who should really have been in the Slimming World line – made a point of saying loudly how much he disliked mac’n’cheese and that was the only thing he wouldn’t eat and then went on to prove it by loading his plate with double of everything else.

We were eventually called into the Speeding is Bad Room and the afternoon could

finally begin. (I could have gone to the morning session, but it started at 7.45 am and my alarm clock doesn’t wake up until after 8 am.) All went well as we settled down and I turned into the table show off because I got all the speed limit questions right (so how come I got done for speeding, I asked myself!). I also spotted more hazards than anyone else when they showed us a ‘hazard perception’ film, but I lied this time because I didn’t want to be seen as the class show off. However, it was slightly worrying when a few class members said they’d spotted around 5 hazards while everyone else had spotted at least 10 (and one of us, who will remain nameless, identified at least 17, including the roadside blue bin that no one else spotted) – I don’t want to be anywhere near any of those drivers when they’re on the roads!

My main disappointment was that there were no free biscuits and coffee as so many people had told me there would be; only water and mint imperials (and I accidentally chose the sparkling water, which I HATE!) – oh, and I didn’t get a certificate saying I’d passed with flying colours! I feel I should have got at least a diploma for spotting the most hazards but, apparently, some people don’t even admit to going on these courses! I’ve told everyone!!

I have now paid my debt to society – and I have an email to prove it. I drove home very carefully and well within the speed limit, especially when a police car tucked itself in behind me just as I was about to cross over a hatched area to break into a line of traffic … 😊 Drive safely!

Trivia Billie Eilish Takes ‘The Office’ Quiz With Rainn Wilson

A Pictorial Introduction To Trivia

I have been looking at trivial items on the Internet, though to be honest much of it is trivial anyway but I thought you might enjoy a few “oldies but goodies” that I am now going to share with you.

Cruel but oh, so true!

Wasn’t sure about this one!

So, just have a think about this one and you may understand why a nephew of mine used to kill any spiders that ventured onto his bedroom ceiling!

And now for a trivia video. Who is the greatest “Office” fan? WARNING: Video includes some strong language.

How to Write Humor

If you have been following along with the LSG, you will already know a lot about humor but maybe you have always wanted to try writing humor yourself? Not everyone can be like the LSG, for whom it just comes naturally as part of her lifestyle and close observation of humankind around her.

For those who want to try writing humor for themselves, here is an instructional video and also a sheet that you can print off and use to practise writing funny paragraphs every day. Maybe in time, you will become so practised that complete articles will flow from you!

Here is the video I promised you. NOT the LSG but a very good alternative.

Reinstate The Yorkshire One

We, the undersigned, request – nay, DEMAND – that the Tiny Tyke, hereinafter to be known as the ‘Yorkshire One’, be reinstated as an Honorary Welshman, given the years he has dedicated to visiting the Valleys and accepting that betting on the Wales result in any given year was not a good idea after the LSG threatened to decapitate him when he told her his prediction of a loss for a Wales v England game – and he was right! He is now banned from betting, commenting or talking during 6 Nations games (or even, if the LSG is in a bad mood, betting, commenting or talking on ANY day!).

If you feel that the Yorkshire One has been unfairly or harshly treated by the LSG (as if!), please hit the ‘Like’ button to show your displeasure – but remember, the LSG has a LONG memory and an unforgiving nature. You may also wish to take into account that the LSG can revoke your membership at any time, that there is NO Article 50 and NO ‘Backstop’.

You may ‘Remain’ or ‘Leave’, but you cannot do both, and you may change your mind halfway through – this is understandable, if a little stupid, but we’ve all been a little stupid at times. In fact, even the LSG has been more than a little stupid at times, but we’ll gloss over those odd moments. They belong in the past before arthritis set in!

Should the Yorkshire One be reinstated? Should the LSG become more human and, therefore, more stupid? Is there life beyond Mars? Is there life on Mars? Does Mars help you work, rest and play?

These questions may be answered quite easily, but the most important is:
SHOULD THE YOKSHIRE ONE BE REINSTATED?
Answers on a postage stamp, please.

A Sad Day

It is with a heavy heart and an ineffable (lovely word!) sadness that I have to tell you that, I, the Lifestyle Support Guru, have had to make an executive decision and withdraw the privileged status of ‘Honorary Welshman’ from one of the select few on whom this honour has been bestowed. Some of you may know this person, since I have referred to him in previous posts. It is none other than TT, the Tiny Tyke!

‘How has this unprecedented event come about?’ I hear you cry. ‘We know that he has accompanied you on trips to Pontypridd, Llandudno, and other places such as Rugby and Market Harborough on rugby weekends, supporting Wales with almost as much fervour as a REAL Welsh person (except when Wales is playing England, of course, but allowances can be made).’

Let me set the scene …
The TT enjoys nothing more than a quiz, and he has a wide range of knowledge, although he can be a little impetuous at times in his eagerness to give an answer, as was the case when he was involved in a head-to-head fastest-first tie breaker where the LSG was question master some years ago:

LSG: What was the name of Ebenezer Scrooge’s business partner in ‘A Christmas Carol’?
TT: Bob Marley!
I couldn’t speak for laughing at the thought of Bob Marley and Scrooge Jammin’ together!

At other times, he cannot be talked out of an answer if he’s convinced he’s right, especially if he’s got the pen:
The TT was in a team of four, one of whom was a French teacher (although TT was unaware of this at the time) – this is an important point to keep in mind.
The question was: ‘What is the English name for the French wine area of Bourgogne?’
TT immediately wrote down ‘Bordeaux’ and could not be talked out of this answer, even though the French teacher tried to tell him it was ‘Burgundy’ and that the English name for Bordeaux is … Bordeaux. (She modestly didn’t tell him about her linguistic qualifications!) It was the LSG who had to put him straight at the end of the quiz.

So, what is the quiz-related heinous crime that has been committed by TT? Last night it was my turn to do the Sunday quiz at the local and TT decided to come along since he wasn’t at work today, so he didn’t need an early night. The first ten questions were on St David and St Patrick – in reality, questions on Wales and Ireland – and the very first question was ‘What flower is the national emblem of Wales?’
The teams swap answer sheets to mark, so it wasn’t until the end of the quiz that I was informed of TT’s answer by the team that marked his sheet – he had written ‘Shamrock’! SHAMROCK!!!
TT said that he had ‘misheard’ the question (which was asked twice), but how can you ‘mishear’ ‘flower’ and ‘Wales’ for ‘plant’ and ‘Ireland’?
Tiny Tyke, it will take a lot of grovelling and many more rugby weekends to be considered even remotely for the reinstatement of the honour of being an ‘Honorary Welshman’! A sad day for England and Yorkshire!

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