T.I.M or S.O.W

www.lifestylesupportguru.comI’m back again! Did you miss me? I have been incredibly busy over the last few weeks, dashing up and down the A1 (it’s nicer than the M1), being expelled from a medical practice (more of that another time), being gently questioned by a doctor to whom I offered a place in the Sixth Form several years ago (thank goodness; I think that’s why he described my blood pressure as ‘good’ – he was repaying a favour), the occasional lunch – and I DO mean ‘occasional’, since they seem to have dropped off alarmingly in recent months – and waiting in for wine deliveries.

Today, however, I wish to offer you a little questionnaire, because I know how much you enjoy discovering your inner self and that is exactly what the Lifestyle Support Guru is for – helping you to find the real person inside, as opposed to the one you show to the world, that jovial, laughing person who is wailing and weeping on the inside because Greggs has run out of vegan sausage rolls and you wanted to show how ‘woke’ you are by eating at least one!

The question today is: are you a T.I.M or a S.O.W.? Or both? I have finally discovered my Achilles’ Heel – I am BOTH! However, this is not necessarily a Bad Thing since it shows that I am able to relate to, and understand the pain of, mere mortals who do not have the inner knowledge and self-perception like what I have got (although I haven’t yet eaten a vegan sausage roll, but I’m sure that will come). You simply need to consider the following situations:

1. Turning Into my Mother (T.I.M.)

When you go into a shop, do you feel the need to explain exactly why you need whatever it is you intend purchasing? If your answer is ‘Yes’, then you are turning into your mother. I found myself doing this today when I explained just why I wanted the vitamin tablets I was considering purchasing – it was because my eldest sister had suggested trying them and when my eldest sister suggests something like that, I know it’s worth listening because she knows EVERYTHING (well, about vitamins, anyway). My next-eldest sister doesn’t know QUITE everything, but that’s not her fault, because she was born after Eldest Sister, so she has had less time to learn EVERYTHING (about vitamins).

2. Silly Old Woman (S.O.W.)

While you are explaining in great detail just why you need whatever it is you are purchasing (although this should be unnecessary if you are buying, for example, incontinence pads), do you notice the shop assistant’s eyes glazing over? You may be concerned that she is developing a rapid form of cataracts, but fear not for her health – it is only her way of confirming that you are a Silly Old Woman, just as you had feared, boring everyone within close vicinity with tales of bunions, hip replacements, the need to visit the toilet far more often, how many tablets you take a day, turning up the volume on the television, bemoaning the fact that ‘that nice Terry Wogan’ seems to have been replaced by a shrieking harpie who interviews little Tarquins and Arabellas about their violin-playing skills rather than recording risqué Janet and John ‘playlets’.

Please do not worry if you are male (or ‘would rather not say’) and think that you do not fit into the above categories. T.I.M. is non-gender-specific and S.O.W. can easily become S.A.M. – Silly And Male – or S.O.N.G.S – Silly Old Non-Gender-Specific – or S.O.T. – Silly Old Transgender. There, that should cover everyone!

Are you a T.I.M. or a S.O.W.? Test yourself! Goodnight!

Paying my debt to society

www.lifestylesupportguru.comI am aware that it is many moons since I last offered you any advice, faithful followers, so I shall try to make up for it today by telling you how to atone for one’s sins against society.
As some of you may know, I had the misfortune to go over the speed limit whilst visiting somewhere ‘oop north’ a little while ago – actually, it wasn’t so much exceeding the speed limit as getting caught that was the misfortune.
To make up for this crime against humanity, I was offered the opportunity to go on a Speed Awareness course, thus avoiding three points on my (clean) licence, although it would also cost me the equivalent of my annual wine allowance (I can imagine you all frantically trying to work out whether that’s true!).
Today was the day of my penance, so I donned my hair shirt and headed for the punishment centre, which also had many other groups meeting up for other, non-criminal reasons.
Upon arriving, I asked for the ‘I drove too fast’ room (the receptionist knew exactly what I meant and smiled, as one should when the LSG makes a little joke) and was given directions: ‘turn right after reception, then go to the top left corner, take a seat and someone will fetch you.’ The top left corner turned out to be a room where Rolls-Royce was holding a meeting. In fact, I needed the top right corner. The receptionist had obviously failed her Brownies Orienteering badge.www.lifestylesupportguru.com
While waiting to be fetched (along with about 30 other people), I watched some other attendees come and get lunch from a buffet set out in the centre of the main hall. As well as the usual selection of sandwiches, chicken on skewers, samosas, mini burgers and sausage rolls, there were also two dishes of macaroni cheese (or mac’n’cheese as it is so trendily called these days). One chap in the queue – who should really have been in the Slimming World line – made a point of saying loudly how much he disliked mac’n’cheese and that was the only thing he wouldn’t eat and then went on to prove it by loading his plate with double of everything else.
We were eventually called into the Speeding is Bad Room and the afternoon could www.lifestylesupportguru.comfinally begin. (I could have gone to the morning session, but it started at 7.45 am and my alarm clock doesn’t wake up until after 8 am.) All went well as we settled down and I turned into the table show off because I got all the speed limit questions right (so how come I got done for speeding, I asked myself!). I also spotted more hazards than anyone else when they showed us a ‘hazard perception’ film, but I lied this time because I didn’t want to be seen as the class show off. However, it was slightly worrying when a few class members said they’d spotted around 5 hazards while everyone else had spotted at least 10 (and one of us, who will remain nameless, identified at least 17, including the roadside blue bin that no one else spotted) – I don’t want to be anywhere near any of those drivers when they’re on the roads!
My main disappointment was that there were no free biscuits and coffee as so many people had told me there would be; only water and mint imperials (and I accidentally chose the sparkling water, which I HATE!) – oh, and I didn’t get a certificate saying I’d passed with flying colours! I feel I should have got at least a diploma for spotting the most hazards but, apparently, some people don’t even admit to going on these courses! I’ve told everyone!!
I have now paid my debt to society – and I have an email to prove it. I drove home very carefully and well within the speed limit, especially when a police car tucked itself in behind me just as I was about to cross over a hatched area to break into a line of traffic … 😊 Drive safely!

Trivia Billie Eilish Takes ‘The Office’ Quiz With Rainn Wilson

A Pictorial Introduction To Trivia

I have been looking at trivial items on the Internet, though to be honest much of it is trivial anyway but I thought you might enjoy a few “oldies but goodies” that I am now going to share with you.

Cruel but oh, so true!

Wasn’t sure about this one!

So, just have a think about this one and you may understand why a nephew of mine used to kill any spiders that ventured onto his bedroom ceiling!

And now for a trivia video. Who is the greatest “Office” fan? WARNING: Video includes some strong language.

How to Write Humor

If you have been following along with the LSG, you will already know a lot about humor but maybe you have always wanted to try writing humor yourself? Not everyone can be like the LSG, for whom it just comes naturally as part of her lifestyle and close observation of humankind around her.

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For those who want to try writing humor for themselves, here is an instructional video and also a sheet that you can print off and use to practise writing funny paragraphs every day. Maybe in time, you will become so practised that complete articles will flow from you!

Here is the video I promised you. NOT the LSG but a very good alternative.

Reinstate The Yorkshire One

We, the undersigned, request – nay, DEMAND – that the Tiny Tyke, hereinafter to be known as the ‘Yorkshire One’, be reinstated as an Honorary Welshman, given the years he has dedicated to visiting the Valleys and accepting that betting on the Wales result in any given year was not a good idea after the LSG threatened to decapitate him when he told her his prediction of a loss for a Wales v England game – and he was right! He is now banned from betting, commenting or talking during 6 Nations games (or even, if the LSG is in a bad mood, betting, commenting or talking on ANY day!).

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If you feel that the Yorkshire One has been unfairly or harshly treated by the LSG (as if!), please hit the ‘Like’ button to show your displeasure – but remember, the LSG has a LONG memory and an unforgiving nature. You may also wish to take into account that the LSG can revoke your membership at any time, that there is NO Article 50 and NO ‘Backstop’.

You may ‘Remain’ or ‘Leave’, but you cannot do both, and you may change your mind halfway through – this is understandable, if a little stupid, but we’ve all been a little stupid at times. In fact, even the LSG has been more than a little stupid at times, but we’ll gloss over those odd moments. They belong in the past before arthritis set in!

Should the Yorkshire One be reinstated? Should the LSG become more human and, therefore, more stupid? Is there life beyond Mars? Is there life on Mars? Does Mars help you work, rest and play?

These questions may be answered quite easily, but the most important is:
SHOULD THE YOKSHIRE ONE BE REINSTATED?
Answers on a postage stamp, please.