lifestylesupportguru

Tag: clothes

Livestock Lessons

A very good day to you all from the Lifestyle Support Guru! It has been a little while since I offered any advice, but this morning I had to visit the vet’s, although I was 24 hours late and I feel that this was meant to be, otherwise I would not have witnessed scenes which taught me a lot in just half an hour.

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Molly

I was late because Molly the Mobster had realised that something was up yesterday when I didn’t have a second cup of coffee because I was taking her for her booster shot and I didn’t have time for a second cup. She shot off and hid under the bed in the spare room and I was unable to reach her – she just sat there purring as if to say, ‘Ha! I’m smarter than you! I know your exact habits!’

Thank goodness the vet doesn’t charge for missed appointments! Therefore, this morning I made sure I had a second coffee, thus fooling her completely. She followed me meekly downstairs, expecting treats, where I was able to pick her up and shove her into her carrier. She then sat there emitting a pathetic miaow from time to time, but I hardened my heart and carried her to the car.

So, where do lessons learned come in to this feline tale? Well, as soon as I got to the vet’s surgery, I realised I was seriously underdressed – there is now clearly a uniform for visiting the vet. It is as follows:

1. Leggings in a bright pattern, preferably with flashes of pink.
2. Pink trainers.
3. A turtle neck jumper, with splashes of pink.
4. A gilet, not necessarily pink, but preferably Barbour.
5. Blonde hair tied up in a loose bun (à la Meghan Markle).
6. A stretchy hairband (with the regulation flash of pink) holding aforementioned blonde hair off the face.
7. A white dog (any size).

I was wearing plain black trousers and a rust-coloured (luckily not rust-covered) jumper, a bobble-covered navy woollen jacket and nice, comfortable ‘granny’ shoes in an understated grey and I had a black cat with me rather than a white dog. I felt this was suitable attire for visiting a place that was going to take money off me – don’t look as if you can afford the exorbitant fees!

And this was where the second lesson came in. While I was studying the visions in pink sharing space in the waiting room, a man came in carrying a dog lead, but with no dog attached – my first assumption was that he had come to collect his pet, but no … he had come to let off steam! He started haranguing the poor receptionist about having to pay extra to his pet insurance company over and above the £800 a year he was already paying. £800!! I felt his pain! Apparently, the insurance company had told him that it was the vet’s fault for taking the dog’s tooth out when he brought him in for a scale and polish. (For a nanosecond I thought maybe I had wandered into the dentist’s by mistake.) Apparently, the insurance company wouldn’t pay for the extraction and were trying to say it was the vet’s fault for taking the tooth out in the first place. The receptionist was very patient and explained that this was the insurance company doing their usual thing of trying to wriggle out of paying for procedures. She then went on to say that they charged less than other vets (try telling that to my bank card!) because they know that the insurance companies will do what they can not to pay for ‘little extras’ (they are probably run by Philip Hammond). The man calmed down and went off, still carrying his empty dog lead and muttering to himself about rip-off insurance companies. And the lesson? If you want to take your anger out on someone, go to a vet’s surgery! (But I’m still wondering why he brought his dog lead with him.)

Molly was then called in to see the vet, who said she had lost weight (Molly, not the vet), but nothing to worry about, all the while looking at me as if to say, ‘Maybe you should follow Molly’s example.’ We then went back into reception where the following animals were called for: Holly (a nervous dog), Polly (a yappy dog) and Poppy (an old, grey dog with a sad face). Lesson 3? It is now clearly a legal requirement to give your pet a two-syllable name ending in ‘y’. I am well within the law.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

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The Importance of Being Hygienic

A very good day to you all from the Lifestyle Support Guru and I hope you are looking forward to the weekend. I have so many subjects to tackle, such as ‘Coping with Technology’, because everyone seems to be ‘coping with’ something these days, don’t they? The topics can range from ‘Coping with a blocked drain’ to ‘Coping with a broken fingernail’ or from ‘Dealing with a depressed dog’ to ‘Dealing drugs’. (Oops! Sorry – that should say ‘Dealing WITH drugs’.) I also wish to discuss ‘Becoming Rich and Famous’, but I have decided these topics can wait because I have had an experience today from which I have learned many valuable lessons that I wish to share with you so that your lives, too, will become more fulfilled and fulfilling, more varied and valuable, more like the LSG’s life, which is fulfilment personified, varied (or do I mean ‘variable’?) and valuable (not the same as ‘rich’, unfortunately, but I have plans for that…).
1. START your day with a visit to the dental hygienist. The main lesson to be learned here is that it is better than FINISHING your day with such a visit because the latter will require you to avoid eating anything that is even vaguely spiced (such as Beef and Tomato Pot Noodle), whereas Red Cherry Wheat Bites are completely spice-free, so can safely be eaten prior to your visit .
2. Call in at a well-known supermarket on the way home (other well-known supermarkets are available, so take your pick of whichever is closest to you) to check the air in your tyres because you have a long and arduous journey ahead of you the following day to meet youngest sibling in Keighley because it is national ‘Take your sibling to Keighley for his birthday’ day (well, there seems to be a ‘day’ for everything else, so why not?). There is a long queue for the air machine – you’ve forgotten that it is national ‘Check the air in your tyres’ day – so you head to another branch of the same well-known supermarket to see if the queue is shorter.
3. On arrival at the next branch, you find that the queue is of a similar length – it’s definitely ‘Check the air in your tyres’ day – so you decide that, rather than wasting your journey, you will call in at the café and revive yourself with coffee and a toasted teacake (a taste for toasted teacakes seems to develop with age). Whilst reviving yourself, you read the café’s copy of the Daily Express and discover that, according to a dating website, people with dogs are three times more attractive to people looking for love (or ‘my soulmate’ or ‘my rock’) than those with cats; in fact, you learn that even people with rabbits have more success.
Resolve to acquire more cats.
You then see a headline asking ‘Why does my Labrador smell?’, but life is too short to even begin thinking of an answer to that – and, besides, you’ve finished your teacake.
4. Remember that you are running low on toilet paper (I am unable to explain why I remembered this after eating a toasted teacake) and head for the ‘Toilet paper’ aisle, which just happens to be via the new ‘Spring collection’ clothing aisle (if you make a detour) and you spot a rather attractive navy and white top, just right for a long and arduous journey to Keighley, even though you know you have several tops in a similar colour combination. (Some of you may recall a post from some time ago where I debated the difference between a navy and white top and a white and navy top, but there is no need for debate here because you know FOR CERTAIN that you have neither a navy and white top nor a white and navy top WITH A VERTICAL STRIPE RUNNING DOWN EACH ARM.) Besides, there’s 25% off all items – Keighley, here I come in my new navy and white top WITH A VERTICAL STRIPE RUNNING DOWN EACH ARM! I may even find somewhere to indulge in a toasted teacake…

May your weekend be filled with toasted teacakes, toilet paper and cats – unless you’re looking for love? In that case, get yourself a dog. Me? I’m off to the Cats Protection League…

Life Lessons from the pub

London buses

Good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! I have several LIFE LESSONS to share with you tonight and, since there is nothing to watch on telly on a Saturday night (which is why I’m in the pub), you may as well do something constructive and learn from my experiences. But first, I have something desperately sad to communicate to you (apart from Wales losing to England last night, that is). My friends and followers, I have had a complaint… yes, A COMPLAINT!!! Someone has had the temerity to say that my posts (sorry, ‘LIFE LESSONS’) are inconsistent – a bit like buses, really, in that you get nothing for a while and then several come along in short succession. Well, MR WHINGER (I’ll keep his full identity secret, but his first name is Richard), that’s what it’s like for LIFESTYLE SUPPORT GURUS. We cannot control when the Muse may strike us – actually, I say ‘us’, but I don’t know of any other LSGs (although I have now recruited two Deputy LSGs, but they’re still in training), so it’s a lonely life in reality, but I carry on because I know that there are people out there who NEED my support and help.
Now, on to the LIFE LESSONS, all of which are pub-related – this may surprise some of you, but someone has to support local businesses, and it may as well be me… oh, the sacrifices I make!
First LIFE LESSON:
1. Picture yourself in a quiet, pleasant, little real ale pub where sartorial elegance is not the first thing on your mind – you’re only there for the beer (or wine), after all.

Joan Collins

2. In walks the equivalent of a blonde Joan Collins, accompanied by Benny Hill. She is wearing a short, lacy black dress and black lacy stockings with a seam and pattern up the back, topped with a faux leopard skin coat. He is wearing grey trousers, a black overcoat, a mulberry-style scarf and a grey beanie, the ensemble completed with heavy dark-rimmed glasses on a rather pale face.

news nerd

So, what is the LIFE LESSON? Don’t judge a book by its cover (or its leopard skin coat or beanie) because they are sitting opposite you and obviously observing you as well, judging by the looks they keep giving you – what’s wrong with an orange jumper paired with green and navy trainers?
Second LIFE LESSON:
I was so impressed with the Joan Collins/Benny Hill. combination that I’ve completely forgotten what the second LIFE LESSON might be! However, look out for a LIFE LESSON in TRANSLATION – coming soon to a pub near you!

Have a lovely evening (what’s left of it!).

Keep A Positive Outlook

LSG here with some advice on keeping a POSITIVE outlook as you travel through your daily vale of tears and work your way through life’s little problems, such as why the cat has thrown up a furball every day, but you don’t notice it unless you’re in bare feet! (Don’t think too much about that!)
This is on a subject close to the hearts of many of you, I know, especially the women (although not all, strangely!).

White and navy or Navy and White?

CLOTHES SHOPPING: don’t think ‘I’ve already got a navy/white striped jumper, so I don’t need another.’ Think POSITIVELY – ‘I’ve got a NAVY and WHITE jumper, but I haven’t got a WHITE and NAVY one.’ There’s a world of difference, believe me, and you will feel so much better when you have such a choice of colourways!