Good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Tonight (because everything on telly is rubbish and I haven’t got enough money on me to go to the pub because I forgot to go to the cashpoint…) I am going to share some scientific analysis which may help you to choose where you might wish to live, or at least advise your children/grandchildren/friends/colleagues/best friends/soulmates/significant others/people you don’t like/anyone else you know on their future places of residence.
Those of you who read my last post will remember that I mentioned Doodlay and the mathematical problems they have there – i.e. bottle of wine £11.60, but three large glasses of same wine, which equal a bottle, for £10.50. I have found a similar ‘offer’ here in DERBY!!! A sign outside a city centre pub this morning said ‘Large breakfast for £3.95’. And the offer? ‘Two for £8’!!!
So, where is the scientific analysis, you might ask? Well, the conclusion is obvious – places that begin with a ‘D’ have a problem with maths! So, don’t move to Doodlay, Derby (tough luck if you’re already here; put your house up for sale immediately!), Dagenham, Denbigh, Derry, Dundee, Derryhowlaght West (couldn’t find a Derryhowlaght East, North or South, or even a Derryhowlaght on its own, so they may have a problem with geography as well as maths) or Dwygyfylchi – and the last place is probably best avoided anyway because very few people will be able to pronounce it, let alone work out sums about glasses of wine and breakfast… In fact, the only way you’d come close to the correct pronunciation is to have a glass of wine WITH your breakfast!
LSG here – I thought you might need something to do instead of going out and enjoying this beautiful Sunday morning, so today we’re going to have a little Biology and Maths tuition, courtesy of people in Dudley (pronounced Doodlay), and a brief lesson in how to talk tidy (as they say in God’s own country), courtesy of an unexpected visitor I had yesterday.
You and a friend are driving round a safari park near Doodlay and you see a large, STRIPED cat tearing at a huge chunk of meat. Do you say:
a) ‘Gosh, what a beautiful tiger.’ or
b) ‘Gosh, what a lovely lion.’ (pronounced ‘loyon’ in Doodlay)
If you said a), you need to attend Biology classes in Doodlay.
You and a friend are in a hotel in Doodlay and you are looking at the wine list. A bottle of house wine costs £11.60; a large glass of the same wine costs £3.50. There are three large glasses in one bottle. Do you:
a) immediately order a bottle, or
b) immediately order three glasses and confuse the waitress?
If you said b), you need to attend Maths classes in Doodlay.
You receive an unexpected visit from an acquaintance (who’s not from Doodlay) and you politely (if uninterestedly) ask if he’s moved into his new place yet. This is totally wrong. What should you have asked?
a) Have you moved into your new top-floor seafront flat with a balcony yet? or
b) Have you moved into your new penthouse apartment with a terrace and a view overlooking the sea?
If you said a) then you are not yet ready to mingle with the upper classes. (Of course, I refer to my terraced house as ‘a bijou cottage residence with close neighbours’.)
I hope these lessons will help you make your way through life without committing too many social errors which could reveal your lower-class background and lack of proper education as it is taught in Doodlay!