Being Healthy is Bad For Your Health!
A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! This evening I am going to share some thoughts with you on BEING HEALTHY. Many of you may be surprised at this because you may not particularly associate the LSG with a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE and that is exactly why I am writing this, simply because BEING HEALTHY is, in fact, BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
1. I have tried drinking more water recently because this is supposed to be GOOD FOR YOU. This is completely FALSE. From my personal experience, all I have found is that it makes you go to the toilet more often, which means that you flush the toilet more often, which means that your water bill goes up if you are on a water meter. This will give you sleepless nights worrying about spending more than a penny, so your blood pressure will go up, which is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. In addition, you will find that you need to go to the toilet more often during the night, which means that you do not get a good night’s sleep. This is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
2. I have tried to get a little more exercise (‘little’ being the operative word), but I have gained very little benefit from this. For example, I went for a walk last Friday, an uphill trek through the countryside, on a very hot day, getting stung by nettles and attacked by brambles and insects.
Upon arrival at the top of the (steep) hill, I went to some nearby toilets (see 1) and looked in the mirror (a grave mistake) to find a beetroot-coloured face with mascara streaks looking back at me. The mascara streaks were caused by the sweat running down my face. (Did I mention it was a VERY hot day?) In addition, you will find that you are covered in little bites and scratches, which is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH because they could so easily turn septic and then you will die, which is DEFINITELY BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
3. I cut down on my wine consumption, thinking that this would be HEALTHY. This is FALSE! I now get less exercise(see 2) from fewer trips back and forth to the fridge, so this must be BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
Having tried these methods of BEING HEALTHY, I can honestly say that they DON’T WORK! I haven’t lost any weight – in fact, I have gained it. At this point, some of you will think of telling me that I have gained weight because some fat has turned to muscle and that muscle weighs more than fat. This is FALSE! I have the same number of muscles as before, so that cannot be true!
So, what lessons have I learned?
1. Water doesn’t taste nice.
2. Exercise makes you go bright red – not a good look.
3. Cutting back on wine could create more unemployment.
BEING HEALTHY is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!
The Mosquito Curtain, Cats and Exercise
A very good and sweltering evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! It’s so hot, I have been forced to get a cold Peroni from the fridge – purely to hold against my forehead to help me cool down, you understand.
Tonight’s post is one I am sure you can all relate to – how to leave the back door open without every fly in the neighbourhood coming in to have a party around the cats’ food dishes (substitute ‘dog’ or ‘child’ if you prefer). (Small pause to hold cold bottle against forehead.); so this evening’s advice is HOW TO PUT UP A MOSQUITO CURTAIN and GET MORE EXERCISE at the same time:
1. Purchase a mosquito net curtain from your nearest garden centre (although you can probably find them in Poundland at far less than I paid!).
2. Once at home, remove the curtain from the box and study the instructions carefully, which are in pictures only – words could not do it justice! It says on the box ‘No tools required’, but what do you find in the very first picture? – a dodgy-looking cartoon character holding a long ruler and pencil against the top of the door frame. In my world, a long ruler is classed as a TOOL! Ignore this particular diagram.
3. Place the two halves of the curtain on the floor, as shown in the diagram, so that the magnets which hold the halves together are lined up. So far, so good.
4. Spend the next ten minutes removing a cat from one half of the curtain – Malcolm seems to think this is a new game which involves wrapping himself inside the curtain.
5. Carefully place Velcro strips (supplied) around the outer edges of the two halves. It’s all going swimmingly!
6. Spend another ten minutes unsticking your fingers from the sticky bit of the Velcro strips when you removed the backing tape in order to stick them to the curtains.
7. Carefully carry the curtains to the back door and position them with great precision (who needs a long ruler?? Ha!). ‘Grand Designs’, eat your heart out!
8. Spend a further ten minutes unsticking your fingers from the sticky bits of the Velcro strips
when you remove the other bits of backing tape in order to stick the curtain halves to the wall.
9. Stand back and admire your handiwork and spend ten minutes showing the cats how the
curtains pull apart easily for them to go in and out. They learn quickly – providing you are actually holding the curtains apart.
10. Leave the back door open, secure in the knowledge that there will be no more flies in your kitchen and go and do something else (I find Microsoft Solitaire Daily Challenge passes the time nicely).
11. Go back half an hour later to see if there are any flies in the kitchen and you are delighted to find that there is NOT A SINGLE ONE! However – there’s always a ‘however’, isn’t there? – you will find that you now have three cats sitting outside in a straight line staring disconsolately at the beautifully placed MOSQUITO NET, unable to work out how to get back in the house!
So where does MORE EXERCISE come in? Well, you now have to traipse back and forth to the kitchen several times a day, opening and closing the curtains to allow the cats to go in and out.
Enjoy the rest of your evening! I’m off to find another cold bottle for my forehead!