Tag: getting old

T.I.M or S.O.W

www.lifestylesupportguru.comI’m back again! Did you miss me? I have been incredibly busy over the last few weeks, dashing up and down the A1 (it’s nicer than the M1), being expelled from a medical practice (more of that another time), being gently questioned by a doctor to whom I offered a place in the Sixth Form several years ago (thank goodness; I think that’s why he described my blood pressure as ‘good’ – he was repaying a favour), the occasional lunch – and I DO mean ‘occasional’, since they seem to have dropped off alarmingly in recent months – and waiting in for wine deliveries.

Today, however, I wish to offer you a little questionnaire, because I know how much you enjoy discovering your inner self and that is exactly what the Lifestyle Support Guru is for – helping you to find the real person inside, as opposed to the one you show to the world, that jovial, laughing person who is wailing and weeping on the inside because Greggs has run out of vegan sausage rolls and you wanted to show how ‘woke’ you are by eating at least one!

The question today is: are you a T.I.M or a S.O.W.? Or both? I have finally discovered my Achilles’ Heel – I am BOTH! However, this is not necessarily a Bad Thing since it shows that I am able to relate to, and understand the pain of, mere mortals who do not have the inner knowledge and self-perception like what I have got (although I haven’t yet eaten a vegan sausage roll, but I’m sure that will come). You simply need to consider the following situations:

1. Turning Into my Mother (T.I.M.)

When you go into a shop, do you feel the need to explain exactly why you need whatever it is you intend purchasing? If your answer is ‘Yes’, then you are turning into your mother. I found myself doing this today when I explained just why I wanted the vitamin tablets I was considering purchasing – it was because my eldest sister had suggested trying them and when my eldest sister suggests something like that, I know it’s worth listening because she knows EVERYTHING (well, about vitamins, anyway). My next-eldest sister doesn’t know QUITE everything, but that’s not her fault, because she was born after Eldest Sister, so she has had less time to learn EVERYTHING (about vitamins).

2. Silly Old Woman (S.O.W.)

While you are explaining in great detail just why you need whatever it is you are purchasing (although this should be unnecessary if you are buying, for example, incontinence pads), do you notice the shop assistant’s eyes glazing over? You may be concerned that she is developing a rapid form of cataracts, but fear not for her health – it is only her way of confirming that you are a Silly Old Woman, just as you had feared, boring everyone within close vicinity with tales of bunions, hip replacements, the need to visit the toilet far more often, how many tablets you take a day, turning up the volume on the television, bemoaning the fact that ‘that nice Terry Wogan’ seems to have been replaced by a shrieking harpie who interviews little Tarquins and Arabellas about their violin-playing skills rather than recording risqué Janet and John ‘playlets’.

Please do not worry if you are male (or ‘would rather not say’) and think that you do not fit into the above categories. T.I.M. is non-gender-specific and S.O.W. can easily become S.A.M. – Silly And Male – or S.O.N.G.S – Silly Old Non-Gender-Specific – or S.O.T. – Silly Old Transgender. There, that should cover everyone!

Are you a T.I.M. or a S.O.W.? Test yourself! Goodnight!

The Joys of Getting Old

elderly woman

Old Fart

Having now been an Old Fart for almost two days, I felt I should share some of my thoughts with you on this new experience. Of course, the Lifestyle Support Guru ages gracefully, rather than just gets old, so the experience may be slightly different for mere mortals, but you will get the idea.

Firstly, what are the advantages of turning into an Old Fart?

1. The government gives you money – that said, although they tell you how much you’ll be paid weekly, they will actually pay you monthly, and that will be in arrears, so I haven’t yet had the chance to spend any of it (but there’s time!).
2. With this newfound wealth (once they’ve paid it to you), you will be able to go on HOLIDAY (a week in the Canaries is already booked) while everyone else is in work and you will get even more pleasure out of the HOLIDAY because you know that the younger element among your friends will not become Old Farts until they’re at least 93 and so will not be able to enjoy HOLIDAYS quite as much (and may even be dead).
3. As an Old Fart, you are practically EXPECTED to be rude to everyone, especially those younger than you, and they will not be able to answer you back because it’s not considered NICE to be rude to your elders, especially Old Farts.
4. It is compulsory to do your supermarket shop at the weekend, even though you’ve had all the

supermarket trolley

rest of the week to do it. In addition, you should stand chatting to someone, discussing the merits of different cat foods, while your trolleys completely block the aisle.
5. You can travel for free on the buses and you get concessions at all sorts of places – I may see if Glastonbury does Senior Citizen discounts.

wine bottle and glasses

Sauvignon Blanc

And the disadvantages?1. Nobody bats an eyelid when you say you are eligible for a concession, even though, inside, you are silently pleading with them to call you a liar because they refuse to believe you could possibly be that old!
2. You find yourself considering a blue rinse and a tight perm, so that you will blend in nicely with all the other Old Farts who seem to travel on the buses in the daytime.
3. People keep telling you that you can now wear purple – I HATE purple!
4. You wonder if it’s time to put your name down for a Damart magazine and start looking at all those lovely thermal vests.
5. Instead of silly, fluffy slippers, you start thinking about sensible ones that cover the whole of your foot and preferably in a nice tartan with a cosy fleece around the ankle.
6. You are seriously considering a shopping trolley (tartan, of course) and a bottle of sherry.

Being an Old Fart is what you make of it – I find that a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc helps me greatly to make the most of it! Here’s to next year’s Winter Fuel Allowance – that should buy a bottle or two of Bristol Cream!