LSG here with some WEDDING ADVICE! Having been to my nephew’s wedding on Saturday, I now feel qualified to help you make the most of that special day with the top 10 do’s and don’ts. Follow these simple rules and you will have a great time:
1. DON’T stand anywhere within the immediate vicinity of the bride if she is tall, slim, blonde and attractive, unless you are also tall, slim, blonde and attractive (and 26 years old).
2. DO hang around with the older members of the party – you will look much more at home (and you will understand the conversation).
3. When the evening party starts, DON’T keep asking ‘When are they going to play some proper music?’. (The Stones and Status Quo are not considered ‘proper music’ by anyone under 35,. And as for suggesting some Motown – DON’T!)
4. DON’T even think of getting up and trying to dance – you will give your age away immediately even if you followed the advice in 1.
5. DON’T wear white trousers if there is a glass of red wine within 50 feet – YES, you can guess what happened!
6. DON’T believe the advice that pouring white wine on spilled red wine gets rid of the stain – IT DOESN’T! All it does is make the stain pink instead of red and you feel sad at the waste of red AND white wine.
7. DON’T follow the advice of the person sitting next to you that rubbing salt into the stain will remove it – IT DOESN’T! All it does is make you feel a complete idiot while you sit there rubbing handfuls of the stuff into your trousers and when you stand up, it looks as if you’ve got dandruff of the legs when it all falls on the carpet.
8. DON’T make it worse by following the advice of the person next to you that spraying soda water on the stain will make it disappear. IT DOESN’T! All it means is that you now have a VERY wet leg and there is still a large pinkish stain on the trousers.
9. When going up to the bar to get a consoling glass of wine, don’t think you can hide the stain by holding your arm straight down and putting your hand over the bottom half of your thigh. YOU CAN’T! All it means is that you walk like someone who’s trying to do an imitation of the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
10. DO have a good time – I did!