A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru. This evening I intend to help you understand that, contrary to popular belief, funerals are not something to dread but, rather, events to be enjoyed and cherished.
Yesterday, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been ill for some time and, probably like the rest of you when you attend funerals, was not particularly looking forward to it. However, I have to say that I came away afterwards with a smile on my face. ‘How could this be?’ you cry. ‘Funerals are sad affairs for saying goodbye to people. They require a copious supply of tissues and very little mascara.’ (Remember, boys, I’m also talking to you – never let it be said that the LSG favours one sex over the other in terms of tissues and mascara.)
Now, I have learned that the secret of a good funeral is who you talk to AFTERWARDS. The
Large glass red wine
mourners had been invited to partake of ‘light refreshments’ after the funeral at a local watering hole – so far, so good, I’m sure you’ll agree. I chose to sit with some friends who had placed themselves at the far end of the pub, away from the ‘professional’ mourners – i.e. the ones who sit staring into their drinks glasses with a sombre look on their faces for far longer than is necessary. I shall set the scene:
There was a small supply of the day’s newspapers at this ‘fun’ end of the pub and a headline caught my eye: ‘Jane gets herself into another fine mesh!’ If I tell you that this was NOT an accidental misspelling of ‘mesh’, but that underneath it was a picture of a blonde female in a VERY skimpy mesh one-piece in a particularly lurid shade of fuchsia, you will probably be able to work out which newspaper this was. I knew straight away that this could not be the Jane I know and admire so much because – a) she was blonde and b) Jane would never wear that particular shade of fuchsia.
Discussion moved seamlessly from mesh to TV programmes and I was especially intrigued by one friend who said he really enjoyed police programmes, particularly the ones featuring the ‘Head Loo’. I don’t watch many of this type of programme, but felt sure that I would have heard of one featuring a ‘Chief Toilet’. It wasn’t until he mentioned the Welsh police force that I realised he was referring to ‘Heddlu’ (more or less pronounced ‘hethlee’), which is Welsh for ‘Police’! How I laughed! 🙂
And finally, my greatest source of entertainment was a story told by another friend about a friend of hers who had just come back from holiday and felt that her nipples showed up too much under a white top she wanted to wear out, so she painted them with…Tippex (white correction fluid). All was well until she got home and was getting undressed for bed – her husband looked at her in horror and said, ‘Oh, my god, what’s the matter with you?’ – the Tippex was peeling off her nipples as she took off her bra and it looked as if she’d got some dreadful skin disease!
Impossible to top that story, so I felt it was time to go home – with a lighter heart and a smile on my face. 🙂
So that is today’s lesson – it’s not who you know, but who you sit with at funerals that can give you the best moments.
Sleep well, dear devoted followers!
A very good day to you from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Having just returned from Tenerife, I felt I should share some hints and tips on how to make the most of your holiday, especially since not all of you are on permanent holiday like I am, so you need to ensure that you don’t waste any of your valuable time.
1. Don’t just throw your make-up bag into your carry-on case at the last minute (boys, I’m talking to you, too) – I didn’t know that mascara counts as a liquid – and nor did I know that roll-on deodorant had to be ‘declared’ either. Take it from me that it is NOT possible to fit five mascara wands, a roll-on deodorant, a tube of toothpaste, a small bottle of shower gel and a small bottle of body lotion into one of those small airport plastic bags, although the Customs woman tried her best. In the end, she split the items into two bags and gave DOT (Dai of Tanzania/Turkey, although we’re still not too sure about the latter at the moment) the one with the mascara, girly-smelling shower gel and body lotion to carry through security. How I laughed!
2. Once you are seated in the airport bar, make sure you have a stiff drink in front of you to help cope with the trauma of:
a) Suddenly realising that you hadn’t done the last thing on your list of ‘things to do before I go on holiday’, which was ‘empty the fridge’ and that you will now return to some manky mushrooms and beans and sausages, which you’d been intending to use up for the last few days. There is also milk in there…
b) Receiving a text from the company from which you’d ordered a sofa several weeks ago to say that it was ready for delivery and asking you to ring to arrange a date. You ring and explain that you are about to board a plane…
c) Looking up at the television in the bar and finding that Theresa May has become Prime Minister!
And all this has happened before you’ve even left the country!
Whilst on holiday, do make sure that you book a place at the Brazilian Fiesta Night at the hotel (although I never did find out why Spanish Tenerife had a Brazilian Night?). This will afford many opportunities for entertainment and fun, especially if you are seated on a table with some Germans. Since the price included unlimited alcohol (ha! I knew you were wondering why I would have opted for a Brazilian Night!), we fully expected the Germans to be sinking stein after stein of beer, but they managed one pint and one small glass of wine between four of them and then left early – one can only assume to get their towels ready for an early start on the sunbeds. DOT and I, however, made sure that we made the most of the local alcohol before Brexit kicks in and makes it too expensive to go on holiday.
The ‘Brazilian’ dancers didn’t look very Brazilian – I think they had come via the nearby west coast of Africa – and they weren’t necessarily chosen for their dance ability either, but they were VERY enthusiastic; DOT said the girl would have achieved a borderline C/D in GCSE Dance, but an A for GCSE Legs. What a wag!! How I laughed!
There was then a trio of singers who didn’t look very Brazilian either and nor did their repertoire of songs sound Brazilian, unless ‘Happy’ and ‘Uptown Funk’ derived from that country? Who am I to query such matters? But how I laughed!
The price included food – unfortunately, the dessert was chocolate brownie and ice cream, neither of which is a favourite of the LSG, but DOT did well out of it. I didn’t do too badly either – I swapped my dessert for his Cava… How I laughed!
And finally, be sure to go on a jeep safari up the highest mountain in Spain (not on the mainland, obviously), if only to give some serious respect to the drivers who took those Land Rovers up almost vertical paths – even the Welsh would be impressed with their hill starts! This day out also offers you the opportunity to get burned to a crisp because the air is thinner, being so high up, so less protection from those naughty little rays of sunshine… and you forgot to put the sun screen in your bag. How I laughed!
If nothing else, make sure that you laugh! 🙂