Having now been an Old Fart for almost two days, I felt I should share some of my thoughts with you on this new experience. Of course, the Lifestyle Support Guru ages gracefully, rather than just gets old, so the experience may be slightly different for mere mortals, but you will get the idea.
Firstly, what are the advantages of turning into an Old Fart?
1. The government gives you money – that said, although they tell you how much you’ll be paid weekly, they will actually pay you monthly, and that will be in arrears, so I haven’t yet had the chance to spend any of it (but there’s time!).
2. With this newfound wealth (once they’ve paid it to you), you will be able to go on HOLIDAY (a week in the Canaries is already booked) while everyone else is in work and you will get even more pleasure out of the HOLIDAY because you know that the younger element among your friends will not become Old Farts until they’re at least 93 and so will not be able to enjoy HOLIDAYS quite as much (and may even be dead).
3. As an Old Fart, you are practically EXPECTED to be rude to everyone, especially those younger than you, and they will not be able to answer you back because it’s not considered NICE to be rude to your elders, especially Old Farts.
4. It is compulsory to do your supermarket shop at the weekend, even though you’ve had all the
rest of the week to do it. In addition, you should stand chatting to someone, discussing the merits of different cat foods, while your trolleys completely block the aisle.
5. You can travel for free on the buses and you get concessions at all sorts of places – I may see if Glastonbury does Senior Citizen discounts.
And the disadvantages?1. Nobody bats an eyelid when you say you are eligible for a concession, even though, inside, you are silently pleading with them to call you a liar because they refuse to believe you could possibly be that old!
2. You find yourself considering a blue rinse and a tight perm, so that you will blend in nicely with all the other Old Farts who seem to travel on the buses in the daytime.
3. People keep telling you that you can now wear purple – I HATE purple!
4. You wonder if it’s time to put your name down for a Damart magazine and start looking at all those lovely thermal vests.
5. Instead of silly, fluffy slippers, you start thinking about sensible ones that cover the whole of your foot and preferably in a nice tartan with a cosy fleece around the ankle.
6. You are seriously considering a shopping trolley (tartan, of course) and a bottle of sherry.
Being an Old Fart is what you make of it – I find that a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc helps me greatly to make the most of it! Here’s to next year’s Winter Fuel Allowance – that should buy a bottle or two of Bristol Cream!