Bonsoir, tout le monde! Lifestyle Support Guru here back from the land of snails and frogs’ legs and brimming with GOOD ADVICE on how to MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR HOLIDAY!!
First, some PRE-HOLIDAY ADVICE:
1. Check the local forecast and ensure that you have enough clothes to cover all eventualities – shorts, t-shirts, jumpers, trousers, sandals, shoes, socks, trainers, vests (that’s for you, Dear Sister) more tops.
2. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
3. Check your packing list and realise you’ve left out underwear, so add enough for at least ten days (when you’re only going for three days) in case the French ports go on strike and you’re stuck for a few more days in the land of baguettes and rare steak. (I picked about the only week when the French ports weren’t on strike.)
4. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
5. Put in an extra jumper or two in case the weather turns Arctic.
6. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
7. Go and pick up friend and realise that you haven’t packed any anoraks (in case the weather turns stormy).
8. Return home and collect two anoraks, one light, one heavy – just in case.
8. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
9. When collecting anoraks, also pick up another jumper and t-shirt – just in case.
10. Check you have passport and ferry/hotel tickets.
GO ON HOLIDAY.
Now, some POST-HOLIDAY ADVICE:
You have an 11-hour overnight return ferry crossing, so you will need to find some way of getting some sleep in your ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’:
a. Go to the bar for a couple of hours and watch the ‘entertainment’, which is exactly the same ‘entertainment’ as on the way out :- i) a duo singing slightly out of tune; ii) a magician who is about the most boring magician you’ve ever seen; iii) the Sussex Jazz Kings, who are missing their lead player because he’s being sea-sick, which is described in far too much detail by his understudy.
b. Return to the ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’ and find that it’s far too uncomfortable to spend the next six or seven hours trying to sleep in it, so follow the lead of a silver-haired ‘older’ lady who has stretched herself out on the lounge floor.
c. Cover yourself with your National Trust tartan rug, which becomes more and more scratchy as the hours pass by, and your blow-up pillow keeps losing its ‘blow-upedness’.
d. Think nice thoughts to try and soothe yourself to sleep.
e. Nice thoughts don’t work, so spend an hour or two plotting revenge against a girl who pinched your (then) boyfriend almost 40 years ago.
f. Go to the toilet and trip over the outstretched feet of the silver-haired lady who seems to have had no problem getting to sleep on the lounge floor (but not any longer, ha ha!).
g. Spend five minutes thinking of ways of murdering your friend who is fast asleep in her ‘reserved reclining lounge seat’ and snoring gently.
h. Spend some time wondering if the lake of wine you’ve brought back with you will last until Christmas.
h. Decide that your earlier plans of revenge against the girl who pinched your (then) boyfriend were nowhere near nasty enough, so spend another pleasant hour or two thinking up more murderous ways of getting your own back when you meet up with her in a ‘Home for the Bewildered’ in the not-too-distant future .
i. Fall asleep and find you are woken five minutes later by the lights coming on and a voice announcing that you are almost in Portsmouth.
There, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!! Now all I need to do is get a good night’s sleep before attending a pagan wedding tomorrow.
Bon week-end, mes amis!