A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru! As many of you, my devoted followers, gear yourselves up for a return to work tomorrow after a weekend’s jollities, I offer you the opportunity to consider a CAREER CHANGE. Have you thought of RUNNING A HOTEL? Having watched an expert at work this weekend, I feel fully able to offer you advice on such an exciting opportunity!
1. Advertising is of prime importance: “All our rooms are en-suite and have been designed with comfort and relaxation in mind. All rooms have access to wi-fi technology for instant internet access.” Guests will not read past the first five words, so you can lie as much as you want after that.
2. “Breakfast is served between… 6.30 to 9.30 am on Saturday, Sunday and Bank Holidays.” This may well be true, but, to make sure guests don’t miss their breakfast, knock on their door at 7.20 am and shout, ‘Do you want breakfast?’ Do not offer a choice of breakfast items, as this will only confuse guests.
3. Put up friendly signs around the place, such as: “Silent. Please be very quite.” and “Dear guests, Your comments is very valuables to us.” This will keep the guests puzzled and amused in equal measures. ‘Very quite’ what?
4. The en-suite bathroom should be about the size of a (small) airing cupboard, with the cistern mounted on the wall above the toilet rather than behind it (space-saving), so that you have to reach up to flush, and the shower should be a ‘one size fits all’ cubicle – provided that the ‘one size’ is ‘small and thin’ – and the shower control handle should protrude from the wall so that guests bump against it whenever they turn around and thus either turn the shower off or unexpectedly change the water temperature.
5. The ideal location should be next door to a Korean restaurant so that guests will have the comforting aroma of food lingering all through the night.
Follow these few simple rules to ensure that your new venture will be a rip-roaring success and an ‘unforgettable experience’- you can say that again! Sleep well, dear devotees – and preferably with the perfume of Korean food wafting past your nostrils!