lifestylesupportguru

Category: Technology

Technology Unplugged

I make no apologies for producing another LSG post so soon after the last one, but I felt I needed to do something to occupy my brain while partaking of a refreshing glass of wine in a local establishment where the New Seekers are playing over the speakers, including the occasional Christmas song (although they are currently in the middle of ‘We Shall Not Be Moved’).
Why does my brain need to be occupied? – because I have just given up on the book I started reading yesterday – the second Sophie Hannah book I have felt obliged to abandon after just a few chapters. If you’re going to write a psychological thriller, get on with it – don’t get all pretentious and long-winded; that doesn’t add to the suspense, it just annoys me! Book review finished.
So what better way to occupy my unexpected spare time than to share with you some of my experiences with technology in the home? As you know, I now have an ‘ironing’ television – not one that irons for me sadly (no, I don’t mean that it irons for me sadly, but that, sadly, it doesn’t iron for me), but one I can watch while ironing in the back room because there is no room in the front room now that DODO is convalescing at home, although he also has a television in his room, but that seems reserved mainly for music videos, whereas the downstairs front room television is for ‘proper’ television such as THE NEWS and A Question of Sport. (The New Seekers have now moved on to ‘Danny Boy’, if you’re interested).

When I switched on the ironing television (which runs on a Fire Stick), nothing happened, even though it had been working perfectly the previous day. (Another digression – a female frequenter of the pub has just said that ‘dogs never forget’ – I think she may have partaken of one too many vodkas and is confusing dogs with elephants; they both have four legs, so an easy mistake, I suppose)

Anyway, DODO had a quick look at the television then switched the ‘downstairs’ Fire Stick for the ‘upstairs’ Fire Stick (i.e. the one in his room) and behold! – everything worked again! No, I don’t know what he did, either, but I think I may now be hooked on ‘Only Connect’ – Victoria Coren-Mitchell’s sense of humour is just delightful! I shall have to find more ironing!
However, technology can defeat us all, I’m sorry to say, even DODO, whom I regard as having one of the greatest technological minds on the planet – along with TOFU and my female siblings; in fact, I am the only member of my immediate family who knows little more than how to switch on a computer (and the iron and the microwaves and the dishwasher and…).

DODO has been having a clear-out in his room and the carpet needed hoovering, so this evening he asked if the small handheld hoover was fully charged. I suggested he’d be better using the upright cordless to cover a bigger area, so he carried it up to his room while I settled at the computer in my room. I could hear no sound of the hoover being used, but I could hear a strange swishing sound, so I went to his room and found him sweeping the cordless hoover over the carpet, not realising it wasn’t just a carpet sweeper! Oh, how I laughed! (Tears streaming down my face, in fact!) He agreed that it worked much better when it was switched on! (And no, it wasn’t a ploy to get me to do the hoovering because he thinks women are much better at that sort of thing than men – this is DODO, not Godfrey Bloom [the UKIP guy who condemned women for not cleaning behind their cookers!]. DODO would never condemn me for not cleaning behind the cooker, since he would never do it himself. TOFU, however…😂)

The music has now changed to Bread (we’ve got the original vinyl album) and the ‘dogs never forget’ vodka drinker has gone home, so I no longer need to occupy my mind, and the first episode of ‘Trust Me’ calls, so I shall end here and wish you all a very good evening, especially since I have an early morning appointment tomorrow for CACAC (Coffee And Crumpets At Costa).

Sleep well and don’t let the silent hoover disturb your dreams!

Learning to Love

A very good evening from the Lifestyle Support Guru!

Sharing My Thoughts

I have decided to share some thoughts with you on ‘Learning to Love’, which you may think a strange choice of subject for the LSG, since I am used to receiving undying admiration and adoration from my many followers; on the other hand, you may be tempted to think that I have found a new love and that I am going to regale you with tales of my new-found passion, but I wouldn’t be so crass – if you wish for such titillation, try ’50 Shades of Grey’ (again!).

Learning To Love

So what am I ‘learning to love’ I hear you asking. I am learning to love…

1. Ironing

– this is because DODO has set up a television in the back room so that I no longer have to rearrange the furniture in the front room when I wish (I use that word in its very loosest sense) to iron. I cannot do ironing without something to distract me (and the distraction of a glass of wine at 10 o’clock in the morning, especially when combined with a hot iron, is not really a good idea…). Before anybody thinks this is purely a sexist arrangement, I can assure you that ALL the ironing is mine. I would never do anything so silly as to allow DODO to buy clothes that need anything more than minimal attention. So far I have watched two fascinating programmes – one on the RSPCA and one on drunks on planes, but I feel I need to be a bit more adventurous and move on from ‘Panorama’ on the BBC iPlayer…

2. Technology

This has afforded many hours of amusement in just the last day alone as DODO has attempted to set up the new television in the front room to replace the ‘ironing’ television which has been relegated to the back room. I have watched him in a purely advisory capacity – ‘Yes, it’s working; no, it’s not working; why can we only get ITV?’, that sort of helpful thing. When DODO decided to make one final, desperate attempt to get more than one channel, saying, ‘I’ll try the old remote instead of the one that came with the television.’, I refrained from expressing out loud the thought ‘How stupid! How is that going to work?’ I was particularly glad of this restraint when DODO was proved right – I’d forgotten to tell him that the ‘old’ remote was the one that worked the VirginMedia Tivo box!

3. The sound of the smoke alarm

– it means lunch is ready.
And on that thought, I shall wish you all a very good night and wend my weary way to bed after a hard day (well, just over an hour, if I’m honest) slaving over a hot iron, as well as advising on the use of technology, and cooking.

The new phone

Good morning from the Lifestyle Support Guru with some heartwarming advice on how to cheer up someone’s day – this story is especially pertinent to those of you who are advancing in years, but it is so important to feel that you have brought a little sunshine into another person’s life, I believe. A long story but bear with me – it’s one that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside…
Firstly, you need to go into a phone shop where an assistant will (eventually) come and ask if you need any help (the look on her face may imply that she’s thinking more along the lines of a zimmer frame or a mobility scooter rather than a mobile phone, but ignore this). The first thing you say is that you are looking for a new phone but that you don’t want a smartphone. This is where the first smile of the day will appear, but you ignore the fact that it is more a smile of sorrow and pity than of joy.

Next, you find you have turned into your mother as you explain in great (and unnecessary) detail why you want to change your phone (because it rings people when it’s in your handbag when you haven’t even pressed a key and those friends then ring you back to ask why you’ve just rung them, which is confusing, to say the least! And it also switches itself off, almost as if it’s sulking because you haven’t used it for at least an hour). You may notice the assistant’s smile beginning to slip a bit at this point, but again ignore this; it’s only temporary.

Then point out the phone that you’re considering – a neat little clamshell design because then keys can’t be unnecessarily pressed (and it’s cheap!). Her smile broadens as she tries to imagine herself using such an antiquated design, but she obviously recognises that different people (i.e. OLD people) have different needs. She will then say that some of their customers (by now you can almost see the speech bubble above her head with ‘OLD’ written in it!) prefer another style and she discreetly points to another phone. She will tell you that it has bigger keys and a bigger screen which ‘some people’ (i.e. OLD!) find easier to use. By now you will be feeling as if you should sign up for a nursing home straight away. On opening the phone, you find the keys are practically as big as a computer keyboard – BUT they are so easy to see and use – and the screen is almost a cinema screen! You are torn between the two phones but you eventually (with horror!) hear yourself say ‘Well, I’m not getting any younger’ and the smile spreads to fill her face because she knows she’s persuaded you to go for the more expensive one!
Finally, you go to the desk where she lovingly wraps the phone in a bright carrier bag emblazoned with the shop’s name so that every mugger within a two-mile radius will know you’ve just bought a phone – the only pleasure you will feel is that if a mugger does nick it, you know he’ll never be able to sell it for much because it is so uncool!

And you then walk out of the shop with the girl’s broad smile imprinted on your brain and the feeling that once you’re out of the door she will collapse on the floor with laughter while telling her colleagues ‘You won’t believe this but I’ve just sold the last of those phones that came in when mobiles were first invented.’
And you spend the rest of the day knowing that you’ve made someone very happy!