Here it is at last – the Lifestyle Support Guru’s ELECTION MANIFESTO!
2015 Election Manifesto of the Lifestyle Support Guru
I believe that this country deserves policies that will help the hardworking retirees who are often neglected and forgotten, especially when they sit on their own in the corner of the pub.
1. The first thing that is needed is to get people healthy, so I wish to encourage everyone to get more fruit and fibre into their bodies. Therefore, there will be a reduction in the price of beer and wine to a more sensible level of 10 pence a pint/bottle. Champagne will be cheaper because it has bubbles in and makes your nose fizzy, which makes you giggle, which, in turn, makes you happier, which is good for the country. I propose, therefore, to set a maximum price of 5 pence on all champagne, whether it comes from Lidl or Waitrose. This will also help vegetarians, a neglected minority, to feel better about themselves
2. At present, VAT is charged on all clothes except children’s. Since clothes (and shoes and
handbags) are essentials (because there are just some people you would not want to see naked), I propose to remove this tax and so make the purchase of clothes fairer for everyone. In addition, there will be a further reduction for those who buy a lot of clothes. This will encourage people to go out and spend money on clothes, thus helping the economy. This will also help people who are on a diet because diets invariably fail, so they will not need to worry about the cost of buying lots of clothes in different sizes because the more they buy, the cheaper it will get!
3. Mirrors are also essentials, so smoked mirrors (which make your skin tone look more even) and ‘slimming’ mirrors, which make you look taller and more sylphlike, will also be exempt from VAT. Again, this policy will help the economy since everyone will feel better about themselves and will spend more money.
4. The LSG’s foreign policy will be to encourage more people to go on holiday abroad, so all fuel surcharges will be removed and Ryanair will be required to be nice to passengers. This latter policy may take some time to implement, so a ‘period of grace’ of around 6 weeks will be given. If passengers are not happier with their treatment by then, and are not allowed to take as many bags as they like on board, Ryanair will be liquidated and sold to Aeroflot. In addition, in order to encourage good foreign relations, all travellers will be required to learn how to say ‘Hello’, ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ in the language of whichever country they are visiting, including Wales.
5. As for the NHS, this will be handed over to the nurses to run and all managers and directors will be demoted to bedpan-emptiers – in this way, instead of handing out the crap, they can learn how to get rid of it.
6. With regard to Education, OFSTED will be abolished, thus saving money which can then be
spent on more teachers. Teachers know how to teach, so let them get on with it. The Department for Education will become the Department for Education and Learning In General with Handy Tips (DELIGHT) and will be staffed by people who have actually had some experience in the classroom. Michael Gove and Nicky Morgan will be sent to Coventry (although I’m not sure Coventry has done anything to deserve them) or just blown up.
7. The use of renewable energy will become more and more important, so I pledge to renew this energy every five years.
8. MPs will be required to tell the truth and give up claiming expenses for paper clips, moats and duck houses, upon pain of death or a week with Katie Hopkins and Russell Brand in the same room. In severe cases, Joey Essex may also be called upon to join in.
9. All multinational companies which dodge paying their taxes will feel the full force of THE LAW and will be required to complete a Tax Return every three weeks unless they pay an upfront fee of £10 million pounds (a week) and base their headquarters in Happy Bottom (Dorset), Backside (Aberdeenshire and Banffshire), Bleary (NI) or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Anglesey). This will bring a boost to the economy of all four nations in the UK.
10. Finally, but most importantly, tickets to Wales rugby matches will be given free to the Lifestyle Support Guru Party – this is not a bribe but a necessary means of keeping the LSG happy, and if you have a HAPPY LSG you have a HAPPY nation.
VOTE LIFESTYLE SUPPORT GURU on May 7th – you know it makes sense!