A very good afternoon from the Lifestyle Support Guru! Following my last post about dead cats, I felt my devoted followers deserved something a little more light-hearted, so I wish to offer some advice on having a good night out, especially as I know that some of you need to get out more and may have forgotten how to socialise. This is not to say that some of you are unsociable (and having once been called ‘an unsociable b…ch’, I know how hurtful an insult this can be), merely that you think you may be too old to have a night out, especially if it involves staying up later than 10 pm. Remember, my fun-loving followers, you won’t be able to socialise and party when you are dead, so DO IT NOW!
I will set the scene: I was invited to a Presentation Evening by my good friend TT (Tiny Tyke), whom I have mentioned in previous posts. The evening was to start with us being picked up by coach in the middle of Derby at 5.30 pm, so I suggested getting a taxi about 5.15, the pickup point being only about 5 minutes away by car. Now, you need to understand that, while I like being on time, TT can be a teensy bit obsessive about it and said he’d prefer to go a little earlier to be on the safe side, especially with Friday traffic, even though I explained that the Friday afternoon traffic jam usually took place a couple of hours earlier. Consequently, I ordered a taxi for 5 pm and, of course, it turned up ten minutes early (just as the heavens opened), so we were very much ‘on the safe side’, especially since the coach arrived later than expected; we were thus able to pass an enjoyable half hour standing in the pouring rain. What fun!
Having set the scene, I shall now set out the easy-to-follow rules for Having a Good Night Out!
1. If there is no seating plan, choose the table nearest the (free) bar (even if it is next to a table with a woman who has a laugh like Woody Woodpecker).
2. Brush up on your knowledge of train-building so that you may involve yourself fully in light chit-chat. (I feel I now know more than is absolutely necessary to help me lead a full and fun-filled life).
3. If you have a handbag (or even a man bag), do make sure that you keep it on your lap all night, as my immediate neighbour did. Maybe I was looking particularly shifty and she felt the need to keep her bag away from my grubby mitts? It wouldn’t have gone with my outfit, anyway!
4. To guarantee a really enjoyable night, take your wife with you and ensure that you both keep your phones on the table – this will give you plenty to talk about as you keep each other up to date about any texts that appear, since you seem to have nothing else to discuss.
5. Make sure that your table companion (TT) keeps his excitement at a reasonable level. He does tend to get a little carried away at times, especially when talking about Mods. For those of you who have immediately conjured up an image of the Small Faces or, perhaps, Paul Weller or Mods and Rockers on Brighton beach, I should hastily explain that ‘Mods’ in ‘train-builder speak’ stands for ‘Modifications’ and often refers to train doors, again a subject about which I know more than is good for my health.
6. When the presentations (for long service) start, do try to avoid reading the care label on your new jacket instead to see if it needs dry cleaning. Luckily, TT’s name was third on the list, so I was able to maintain my level of interest that far. (To be fair, they fairly rattled through the whole list – the presenters were clearly more interested in the free bar!)
7. Resist the thought of turning down your companion’s idea of a brandy to ‘finish off the evening’, especially since the barman clearly decides you need a double! If you do NOT have that brandy, you will prevent many people from seeing the hilarious moment when you fall over getting in the taxi home – it is cruel to deprive so many of such fun when it hasn’t even cost you anything. Your companion is of no help at all since he has already taken his seat in the front of the taxi and is now incapable of moving. (It wasn’t really the brandy, you understand, but the arthritis that made my leg collapse under me.)
8. Finally, do make sure that you meet up with your companion the next day so that he may regale you with tales of his nocturnal visit to the loo where he discovered that he was still wearing his shirt and socks, although he had carefully hung up his suit before going to bed.
There you have it – an easy-to-follow guide to a fulfilled and happy life, enjoying a Good Night Out (courtesy of a rather large train-building company!). Thank you for the invitation, TT, my little Yorkshire friend!