Lifestyle Support Guru here with some useful advice on LIFE IN LONDON, in case you’re thinking of making a visit there. Believe me, it is ANOTHER WORLD as far as we provincials are concerned! There are COUGARS to contend with and London inhabitants have MICROWAVEABLE METAL which has not yet reached the provinces.
1. COUGARS – get your young(ish), good-looking nephew (married, I’m afraid, girls!) to take you to a pub which he says will be filled with COUGARS. Apparently, these are older women looking for young, wealthy men (hmm, could I be a COUGAR, I wonder?). You then need to spot these COUGARS and the conversation will go something like this:
You: Is she a Cougar?
Nephew: No, she’s too young.
Y: Well, is that one over there a Cougar?
N: No, she’s got too many clothes on.
Y: Is the one in the corner a Cougar?
N: No, she’s on her own. Cougars hunt in packs.
Y: Would I count as a Cougar?
N: (picking himself up off floor after falling off his stool laughing) No, you’re too old and you’re wearing too much clothing and not enough make-up.
2. MICROWAVEABLE METAL – after the visit to the Cougarless pub, go to your young(ish),
good-looking niece’s (she’s married, I’m afraid, lads!) house for a meal. After the main course, she offers dessert and asks if anyone wants hot custard with the fruit crumble. The men in the party say they would (the women go for straightforward double cream!) and we carry on talking about COUGARS while said niece puts custard in microwave. Niece brings custard to table in a (very nice) metal jug but when she pours it on nephew’s crumble, he says it’s not very warm. Niece takes custard (in very nice metal jug) away to warm it more thoroughly and returns shortly, again with the custard in the very nice metal jug. The conversation then goes something like this:
Nephew: It’s still not very warm.
Niece: I don’t understand. I’ve given it a good few minutes in the microwave.
You: (in a shocked voice) Have you been heating it up in that very nice METAL jug????
Niece: Yes. Why?
At this point, silence will fall across the dinner table and all eyes will turn to the very nice METAL jug
You: (who, even though your speciality is Pot Noodles, know a little bit about cooking AND physics). But you don’t put METAL in a MICROWAVE!
Niece:Really? I never knew that!
Meanwhile, everyone else is wondering how on earth the microwave didn’t blow up or something – and it’s still a mystery!
And the moral? COUGARS don’t always appear when you want them to and London has MICROWAVEABLE METAL (but don’t try this at home, folks!). Me, I’m going to stick to Pot Noodles – you know where you are with a kettle!!