SIGH. Lifestyle Support Guru here with a midweek post, but one that will NOT gladden your heart. This morning I went off on my wildly exciting adventure to that far-flung outpost called Nottingham, expecting to return laden with purchases. SIGH. Instead, I returned feeling that LIFE has no MEANING because I – gulp – DIDN’T ENJOY THE SHOPPING TRIP! This is an admission that I never thought I would make and I know it will worry many of my followers. Is this the end of LIFE AS WE KNOW IT?
1. I got the last seat on the bus, in the back row, which always seemed so exciting as a child but was no fun on this occasion, being sandwiched between a burly man who insisted on leaning forward to speak to his mate in the seat in front of him and a young woman who insisted on speaking loudly on her phone in a foreign language which I couldn’t understand – and there’s no enjoyment in listening in on such conversations. SIGH.
2. I went to John Lewis to buy a gift voucher for a pagan wedding I’ll be attending the week after next – I promise there’ll be a report on that! – then looked round for some casual trousers which weren’t leggings, jeggings. ‘skinny’ or ‘slim’ – mainly because I would look like a lollipop in such items. No joy. SIGH.
black trousers
3. I cheekily asked a John Lewis shop assistant (who looked like she was just out of nappies) where the nearest M&S was and she looked me up and down sadly and said that it was ‘an awfully long way’ before proceeding to give me a list of directions that even Stephen Hawking, with his brilliant mind, would find difficult to follow. SIGH.
4. I wandered off in the vague direction the youthful assistant had indicated and then asked an old couple a couple of streets further on if I was heading in the right direction for M&S. They too looked me up and down sadly and said that it was ‘an awfully long way’. By this time I was ready to shoot myself because I obviously didn’t look as if I would make it ‘an awfully long way’ before dropping dead. SIGH.
5. I decided it was time for lunch and took myself off to a nearby restaurant where I knew I’d get something nice to eat to cheer myself up before dropping down dead (see Point 4). I was greeted cheerily by an ex-student who asked me if I minded sitting upstairs, then looked carefully at me before deciding it was NOT a good idea to point out that ‘upstairs’ was ‘an awfully long way’. I settled down nicely with my book – a cheery little true story about a girl who becomes a nun before turning to a life of prostitution – and waited…and waited…and waited for my omelette to arrive until a waitress noticed the cobwebs gathering and said chef had forgotten to do my order! I almost pointed out that I was the LSG and that NO-ONE forgets about the LSG, but I felt that life was too short (see Point 4). Omelette duly arrived but the salmon filling was too salmony. SIGH.
6. Caught bus back home. SIGH.
Bring on the pagan wedding!