. This time, if you follow this advice, you will ensure that everyone has a WONDERFUL TIME, whether as HOST or GUEST. Although there may seem to be a lot of instructions, they are really quite easy to follow and require little more than a group bus ticket and some stamina.
1. GUESTS should coordinate their arrival perfectly to ensure they all turn up at the same time – this means that the HOST has no time to worry about those last-minute arrangements, such as fresh flowers, which always add that little welcoming touch, I think. That said, I’m not sure that three hulking men away for a weekend of watching rugby and football would necessarily have noticed a lovely flower arrangement so, on second thoughts, don’t bother with the flowers. So there you are: you already have less to worry about!
2. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
3. Take your GUESTS and other friends on a tour of the local area to show them the lovely sights of Derbyshire – the Little Chester Ale House, the Black Bull’s Head, the Thorn Tree, the Five Lamps, the Coach and Horses (bar AND lounge).
4. Check how much wine you have in the fridge
5. One GUEST may tell you that he ALWAYS wakes up early, so he’ll go out for a walk in the morning to avoid disturbing everyone else. The HOST will come downstairs at about 9 the next morning to find the insomniac GUEST still
fast asleep on the sofa bed. The HOST should clean up the little mess on the carpet at the bottom of the bed which has been kindly left by one of the cats, but which has not woken the GUEST, even though the noise of a cat being sick is usually enough to wake the dead.
6. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
7. Supply tea, coffee, toast as required, then wonder what the neighbours will think of one GUEST wandering around the garden in a t-shirt and underpants, which he decides will suffice instead of going for an early morning walk.
8. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
9. The HOST should have a shower and stay upstairs drying hair and trying to repair the ravages of the previous day’s excesses so that GUESTS have time to wash up cups and plates (before the HOST points to the dishwasher).
10. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
11. The HOST should take the GUESTS to a restaurant to taste the local specialities – a selection of tapas – before the party heads to another local hostelry (the Golden Eagle) for an afternoon’s rugby and more local specialities, this time garlic Scotch eggs. Eventually, at 9 pm, the insomniac GUEST will decide that he’s had enough so will be escorted home by the HOST who should ensure that he makes it safely to bed before returning to meet up again with the other GUESTS. The Ale House and Coach once more benefit from the GUESTS (minus one) and HOST wishing to make sure that they have no money (or brain cells) left at the end of the day.
12. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
13. Wave goodbye to GUESTS the following morning (well, two out of three guests – one is having so much fun, he decides to stay another night).
14. Check how much wine you have in the fridge.
15. Monday morning: wave goodbye to the final GUEST after showing him the little dead bird that another of the cats felt would be a spectacular leaving present… and BREATHE!
16. Check how much wine you have in the house.
Satisfaction guaranteed with very little effort.